Changed
© 2006 Phyllus D. Jolliff
All Rights Reserved
I went to the Women’s Retreat this year not expecting to learn anything new or “get anything” out of it for myself. I had one goal for that weekend when I left home…help the speaker project the image of her painting onto the screen so everyone could see what she was doing. I knew I could do that. I had practiced at the church. I could use the computer, no problem. So, I would go to the Retreat, be supportive and helpful, have a fun time with the friends I was rooming with, and come home again without any real change in my life. That was my plan. God, however, had completely different plans.
God started dealing with me long before I ventured to Retreat about the fears I still harbored in my heart - the fears that had become so a part of my life, that it was more comfortable with them than ever even thinking of living without them. Sure, I had dealt with some of them…only to pick them right back up again when things started getting tough. I was trying to “fly,” but kept clipping my own wings. Yet, I thought I was okay. After all…I was better than I had been a few years ago. But it wasn’t enough. I had settled for a semblance of trust. It was like I had taken the gift of freedom God had given me, opened it, taken out a small portion, then wrapped it back up tightly and said, “No, You better hold the rest. I’m afraid I’ll just lose it.” How God must have grieved! I can only imagine how I would feel if one of my kids did that to me.
On the way to Retreat, I battled within myself. I was already having a great time with two very special friends, but my mind kept asking endless “what if” questions. “What if things don’t work out once we get there?” “What if I say the wrong thing?” “What if they really do have a problem with my snoring?” “What if they don’t really want me to room with them, but were just trying to be nice?” I even walked away from these friends in one store so I could gain control of the emotions that were joining the thoughts and fears. “How could they possibly want me with them this weekend?” “They already have a great friendship, why would they need me?” I began to call myself “insane” and “crazy” and “nuts” for even getting myself into this predicament in the first place. “What if… What if... What if?” I was losing the battle. Or so it seemed. But they did everything within their power to make me feel a part…to make me feel like I was special to them.
Friday evening, the speaker began to talk about choices. At least, that’s what I heard. I realized at one point that I wasn’t doing my job of focusing in on her painting so everyone could see…I was too busy focusing on the words that were slamming into my heart. She stated, “The only power that my past has on me is the power that I give it.” That was 2 x 4 number one! I think I even stepped back from the camera with the force of that one. And God began to show me situations and circumstances in my past that I was still allowing to control my life. I didn’t like what I was seeing. God showed me that the people that had hurt me in the past, were NOT the friends He had given me in the present. I was robbing myself of the blessing He was trying to give me. I was choosing to give my past control over my present and my future. That’s not what God wants for me…or for you.
It’s funny how God will let you go along…show you something He wants you to see…then just as you start to push it aside and ignore it, He puts it right back up in your face. That night as I lay in bed, lights out, listening to the room grow quiet, waiting for my roommates to go to sleep so I could go to sleep without disrupting them with my snoring…thinking they were already asleep (praying they would hurry up and fall asleep)…a sweet voice called through the darkness, “Phyllis, don’t wait to go to sleep.” Tears began to trickle down my temple. God knew I needed that, and He used one precious friend to remind me that He knew my heart. I drifted to sleep thanking God for His awesome love He revealed to me in that simple gesture.
I’ve always had a problem with “obedience.” I wouldn’t even allow that word to be put in my wedding vows because I refused to make a promise to obey when I knew there would be many times that I wouldn’t. And yet, that’s exactly what the message was on Saturday morning. 2 x 4 number two hit when the speaker said, “using the past is a pathetic way to live.” I think I still have a knot on my head from that one! She just called me pathetic! No…that was God speaking through her. I was “using my past” in some of the worst ways...disobedience to God. I was choosing to be a defeated Christian because I wouldn’t let go of my past. The speaker had said that God will, “reveal to us things that don’t belong in His masterpiece.” Pathetic disobedience DID NOT belong in His masterpiece. So, if I am His masterpiece, that disobedience was going to have to go. No matter how much I was “doing for God” or how much I was working in the church, all of that meant nothing without my obedience to trust Him.
Before I had time to recover from the “obedience beam,” another speaker talked about prayer. You know, I listened and thought, “I’m good there.” I’m good with loving God and knowing He loves me. I’m good with the condition of my heart and being humble before Him. I’m great at the “praying without ceasing” part…got that one covered. And, of course, I have confidence that God hears me when I pray. I know that! And then she got to “Claim It!” Stopped in my tracks. I was NOT claiming it when I told God I wanted to be delivered from these fears. I was picking them back up again every time I turned around. This speaker said, “Tell a trusted Sister and have her pray with you and for you!” Well, that idea alone was enough to cast fear into my life! The whole point was that my past had revealed I couldn’t trust anyone, so how in the world was I supposed to do that?! As soon as the thought entered my mind, God started putting up pictures of those friends He had placed in my life who would understand and hold me accountable to be obedient to Him. I won’t name them…they know who they are. All afternoon and into the evening, “Tell them,” kept reverberating in my heart and mind. But I was still scared.
“It’s your choice to lay your past behind you, or dwell on it and live in self-pity the rest of your life.” That was one of the first statements our main speaker made Saturday evening. The 2 x 4 turned into a 4 x 4! It takes a lot sometimes for God to get my attention and keep it! When she brought out the painting, I thought it was already beautiful. It looked done to me. But, as she started to add details and talk about how it would be finished if she just wanted to settle for less, God began to speak to my heart and tell me that my life wasn’t finished…it wasn’t what He wanted it to be…I hadn’t reached the fullness He had created for me. I had settled. She read Isaiah 43:18-19 from The Message Bible, “Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.” I wasn’t fully trusting, but I wasn’t as bad as I had been. At least I knew I had friends – real friends. “Talk to them,” He said. But I still wasn’t obeying and trusting God with that part of my heart. I was saying, “NO!” to God.
At the group study at our table later, we had a great discussion. God was doing and had done wonderful things in each of our lives. But I got distracted and read on ahead in the lesson. That 2 x 4 that had turned into a 4 x 4 just a little while before, now felt like the 6 x 8 beam that supports our back patio! Deuteronomy 30:15-16 (NLT) jumped off the page, “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between prosperity and disaster, between life and death. I have commanded you today to love the LORD your God and to keep his commands, laws, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and become a great nation, and the LORD your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.” That one pretty much sucked the air out of me. It didn’t matter that this book had been written eons ago…God was telling me this NOW! I composed myself and read the next listed verse, “Today I am giving you the choice between a blessing and a curse! You will be blessed if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today. You will receive a curse if you reject the commands of the LORD your God and turn from his way by worshiping foreign gods.” (Deut. 11:26-28 NLT). Again, I couldn’t breathe. Talk about a command! Then came the last verse in the lesson. Romans 6:16 (NLT), “Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master? You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God and receive his approval.” I realized that I had allowed fear to become my master. I was allowing fear to rule my life. Essentially, I had made fear my god. Shame hit. I had a choice to make then and there…to be obedient or to walk away. I couldn’t get to the altar fast enough. What release flowed with the erupting tears! I begged God for forgiveness for my disobedience, and I knew He forgave me. But I knew that wasn’t the end of things. There were those I had backed away from in my own way that I had to ask for forgiveness. Yes, I had to swallow my pride and admit I was wrong.
Through all of this, God kept telling me, “Talk to them.” He just wouldn’t let me talk to Him about these fears…He wanted me to actually open up and talk to the friends He had placed me with that weekend. I had to have accountability. I said, “Okay, God. If You want me to talk to them, then You make it possible when we get back to the room tonight for us to have time alone, and for the channels to be open.” I really didn’t think that was going to happen. Boy, was I wrong! God made it happen, and we talked until almost 2 a.m. I was able to open up to them, ask them for prayer, and be assured that they were not going to let me slip back into my old ways without confronting me. That’s accountability.
Now…I feel truly free. Yes, I do battle my old self at times, but the key there is “battle.” I don’t run. I don’t fold. I stand and battle. And if I have those times of fear rising up that I can’t seem to battle on my own, I can call on one of those “Trusted Sisters” to pray. My life has been changed. I will no longer allow fear to rule me. God is my God, and I will trust Him with my heart.
Did God make changes in your life? Don’t allow yourself to become swept back up in the old you. Ask God to show you the people He has placed in your life to hold you accountable. Share with them. Trust God by trusting them. We’re here for each other…that’s why God created friendships. Ask yourself this… Are you truly CHANGED?
God started dealing with me long before I ventured to Retreat about the fears I still harbored in my heart - the fears that had become so a part of my life, that it was more comfortable with them than ever even thinking of living without them. Sure, I had dealt with some of them…only to pick them right back up again when things started getting tough. I was trying to “fly,” but kept clipping my own wings. Yet, I thought I was okay. After all…I was better than I had been a few years ago. But it wasn’t enough. I had settled for a semblance of trust. It was like I had taken the gift of freedom God had given me, opened it, taken out a small portion, then wrapped it back up tightly and said, “No, You better hold the rest. I’m afraid I’ll just lose it.” How God must have grieved! I can only imagine how I would feel if one of my kids did that to me.
On the way to Retreat, I battled within myself. I was already having a great time with two very special friends, but my mind kept asking endless “what if” questions. “What if things don’t work out once we get there?” “What if I say the wrong thing?” “What if they really do have a problem with my snoring?” “What if they don’t really want me to room with them, but were just trying to be nice?” I even walked away from these friends in one store so I could gain control of the emotions that were joining the thoughts and fears. “How could they possibly want me with them this weekend?” “They already have a great friendship, why would they need me?” I began to call myself “insane” and “crazy” and “nuts” for even getting myself into this predicament in the first place. “What if… What if... What if?” I was losing the battle. Or so it seemed. But they did everything within their power to make me feel a part…to make me feel like I was special to them.
Friday evening, the speaker began to talk about choices. At least, that’s what I heard. I realized at one point that I wasn’t doing my job of focusing in on her painting so everyone could see…I was too busy focusing on the words that were slamming into my heart. She stated, “The only power that my past has on me is the power that I give it.” That was 2 x 4 number one! I think I even stepped back from the camera with the force of that one. And God began to show me situations and circumstances in my past that I was still allowing to control my life. I didn’t like what I was seeing. God showed me that the people that had hurt me in the past, were NOT the friends He had given me in the present. I was robbing myself of the blessing He was trying to give me. I was choosing to give my past control over my present and my future. That’s not what God wants for me…or for you.
It’s funny how God will let you go along…show you something He wants you to see…then just as you start to push it aside and ignore it, He puts it right back up in your face. That night as I lay in bed, lights out, listening to the room grow quiet, waiting for my roommates to go to sleep so I could go to sleep without disrupting them with my snoring…thinking they were already asleep (praying they would hurry up and fall asleep)…a sweet voice called through the darkness, “Phyllis, don’t wait to go to sleep.” Tears began to trickle down my temple. God knew I needed that, and He used one precious friend to remind me that He knew my heart. I drifted to sleep thanking God for His awesome love He revealed to me in that simple gesture.
I’ve always had a problem with “obedience.” I wouldn’t even allow that word to be put in my wedding vows because I refused to make a promise to obey when I knew there would be many times that I wouldn’t. And yet, that’s exactly what the message was on Saturday morning. 2 x 4 number two hit when the speaker said, “using the past is a pathetic way to live.” I think I still have a knot on my head from that one! She just called me pathetic! No…that was God speaking through her. I was “using my past” in some of the worst ways...disobedience to God. I was choosing to be a defeated Christian because I wouldn’t let go of my past. The speaker had said that God will, “reveal to us things that don’t belong in His masterpiece.” Pathetic disobedience DID NOT belong in His masterpiece. So, if I am His masterpiece, that disobedience was going to have to go. No matter how much I was “doing for God” or how much I was working in the church, all of that meant nothing without my obedience to trust Him.
Before I had time to recover from the “obedience beam,” another speaker talked about prayer. You know, I listened and thought, “I’m good there.” I’m good with loving God and knowing He loves me. I’m good with the condition of my heart and being humble before Him. I’m great at the “praying without ceasing” part…got that one covered. And, of course, I have confidence that God hears me when I pray. I know that! And then she got to “Claim It!” Stopped in my tracks. I was NOT claiming it when I told God I wanted to be delivered from these fears. I was picking them back up again every time I turned around. This speaker said, “Tell a trusted Sister and have her pray with you and for you!” Well, that idea alone was enough to cast fear into my life! The whole point was that my past had revealed I couldn’t trust anyone, so how in the world was I supposed to do that?! As soon as the thought entered my mind, God started putting up pictures of those friends He had placed in my life who would understand and hold me accountable to be obedient to Him. I won’t name them…they know who they are. All afternoon and into the evening, “Tell them,” kept reverberating in my heart and mind. But I was still scared.
“It’s your choice to lay your past behind you, or dwell on it and live in self-pity the rest of your life.” That was one of the first statements our main speaker made Saturday evening. The 2 x 4 turned into a 4 x 4! It takes a lot sometimes for God to get my attention and keep it! When she brought out the painting, I thought it was already beautiful. It looked done to me. But, as she started to add details and talk about how it would be finished if she just wanted to settle for less, God began to speak to my heart and tell me that my life wasn’t finished…it wasn’t what He wanted it to be…I hadn’t reached the fullness He had created for me. I had settled. She read Isaiah 43:18-19 from The Message Bible, “Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.” I wasn’t fully trusting, but I wasn’t as bad as I had been. At least I knew I had friends – real friends. “Talk to them,” He said. But I still wasn’t obeying and trusting God with that part of my heart. I was saying, “NO!” to God.
At the group study at our table later, we had a great discussion. God was doing and had done wonderful things in each of our lives. But I got distracted and read on ahead in the lesson. That 2 x 4 that had turned into a 4 x 4 just a little while before, now felt like the 6 x 8 beam that supports our back patio! Deuteronomy 30:15-16 (NLT) jumped off the page, “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between prosperity and disaster, between life and death. I have commanded you today to love the LORD your God and to keep his commands, laws, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and become a great nation, and the LORD your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.” That one pretty much sucked the air out of me. It didn’t matter that this book had been written eons ago…God was telling me this NOW! I composed myself and read the next listed verse, “Today I am giving you the choice between a blessing and a curse! You will be blessed if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today. You will receive a curse if you reject the commands of the LORD your God and turn from his way by worshiping foreign gods.” (Deut. 11:26-28 NLT). Again, I couldn’t breathe. Talk about a command! Then came the last verse in the lesson. Romans 6:16 (NLT), “Don't you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your master? You can choose sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God and receive his approval.” I realized that I had allowed fear to become my master. I was allowing fear to rule my life. Essentially, I had made fear my god. Shame hit. I had a choice to make then and there…to be obedient or to walk away. I couldn’t get to the altar fast enough. What release flowed with the erupting tears! I begged God for forgiveness for my disobedience, and I knew He forgave me. But I knew that wasn’t the end of things. There were those I had backed away from in my own way that I had to ask for forgiveness. Yes, I had to swallow my pride and admit I was wrong.
Through all of this, God kept telling me, “Talk to them.” He just wouldn’t let me talk to Him about these fears…He wanted me to actually open up and talk to the friends He had placed me with that weekend. I had to have accountability. I said, “Okay, God. If You want me to talk to them, then You make it possible when we get back to the room tonight for us to have time alone, and for the channels to be open.” I really didn’t think that was going to happen. Boy, was I wrong! God made it happen, and we talked until almost 2 a.m. I was able to open up to them, ask them for prayer, and be assured that they were not going to let me slip back into my old ways without confronting me. That’s accountability.
Now…I feel truly free. Yes, I do battle my old self at times, but the key there is “battle.” I don’t run. I don’t fold. I stand and battle. And if I have those times of fear rising up that I can’t seem to battle on my own, I can call on one of those “Trusted Sisters” to pray. My life has been changed. I will no longer allow fear to rule me. God is my God, and I will trust Him with my heart.
Did God make changes in your life? Don’t allow yourself to become swept back up in the old you. Ask God to show you the people He has placed in your life to hold you accountable. Share with them. Trust God by trusting them. We’re here for each other…that’s why God created friendships. Ask yourself this… Are you truly CHANGED?